Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
