Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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