True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
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