apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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