...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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