At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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