I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
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I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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