Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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