I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
