I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
