I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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