I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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