She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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