we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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