She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
