I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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