My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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