she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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