I think I died a long time ago.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
