I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Holy shit dude........stairs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
