Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
