as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
