Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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