I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
