that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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