when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My balls are so social today.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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