Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
