The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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