Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
