Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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