can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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