I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
