I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
