im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
