She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
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Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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