What a fucking waste of an outfit
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
