i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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