i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
