you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
