the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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