What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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