How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
