So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
