Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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