I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
