Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
