Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
