Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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