He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
