This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
