I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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