the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
