Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
