i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
