we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
