Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
