I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
