I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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