the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
a search helicopter?!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
