so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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