Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
